You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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