Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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