Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
