PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
