sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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