Jerry, you need to find god
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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