I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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