your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This baby is an asshole
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
