is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
