I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
