it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
