I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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