i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
