Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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