dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
