I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
