if i can run in heels then i can drive
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
