he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
