Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
