just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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