we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He better not be in your backpack
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
