were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
