How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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