i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
