just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I FOUND THE LEGS
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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