Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
