chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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