He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
