K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
