Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
