i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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