awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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