Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
