i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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