I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
