awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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