When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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