I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
