Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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