i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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