Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
