no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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