Jerry, you need to find god
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
