I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
