I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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