ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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