I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I just want nice things and good sex
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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