u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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