first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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