I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
