Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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