I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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