Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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